Jetplane LandingThe Metro, London

We all know that Saturday night television is where it’s at. You’ve got to get yourself a prime time slot between the full time football results and Blind Date if you want to be a star. And given the chart success of Hear’Say and the bastard offspring of Pop Idols, it’s clear that the popular music format is the only way forward.

Jetplane Landing know that they need to grab both the pre-pub crowd and the terminally depressed Tottenham fans, and they’ve come up with a plan: a bunch of nice lads playing songs in the style of their favourite bands, while Matthew Kelly presides over the show with his steely gaze and scary smile.

In an effort not the disturb the children, bearing in mind that this is only a pilot, Matthew Kelly has been given the night off so it’s down to the contestants to provide all of the entertainment. In the cunt Kelly’s absence, you can tell that Andrew Ferris and brothers Jamie and Raife Burchell are up to the job as they saunter on stage, pick up their instruments and announce “tonight, Metro, we’re going to be Braid, Unwound, Jimmy Eat World, Shellac, Van Pelt and the Lapse”.

And you know what, they’re really are all six bands at the same time. They’ve got the duelling guitar and bass, the pounding drums, the slightly nasal vocal delivery and such a mighty wall of sound that the PA gives up halfway through the night. They’ve got the songs about heartbreak, even if the screams of “fuck you and your opposite sex” on ‘What The Argument Has Changed’ do give a rather bitter variation of the theme. They’ve got their put downs ready for the inevitable confrontation when Pete Waterman and Nigel Lythgoe berate them for not having a dance routine, as Jamie snarls “silence the critics, I may have found the answer” during ‘This Is Not Revolution Rock’, before not breaking into an Irish jig.

After the show, it’s clear that the pilot has been a glorious success. Primetime ITV here we come. The title of the program? Given the emo nature of the music it’s going to have to be called Tears In Their Eyes.